Gut Reactions
3-4 years ago I put out a weird little book chronicling our church’s efforts to put transitional housing for houseless folks on our land.
At least, that’s how I presented the book.
But it wasn’t really about that. It was actually a deconstruction of my emotions and thought processes through the whole two years that we worked on the project.
Throughout the writing process, I tried to come to grips with the reality that many of the people who threatened to sue our church weren’t 100% wrong; weren’t evil; weren’t villains.
I tried to be honest about how black and white I was seeing them:
What we’re doing is good,
What neighbors are doing to us is wrong,
and stupid,
and jerkish,
and evil.
Obviously that wasn’t entirely true. I was harboring a more-than-negative reaction toward everybody who opposed what we were doing.
So I wrote my way through all of these thoughts and emotions.
I tried to be completely honest with myself about my own prejudices I had against many of the people in my neighborhood.
The thing is, many of those feelings haven’t gone away.
Over the past few years, I’ve realized how many grudges I still harbor against many of my neighbors.
Internally, I’ve been writing new chapters of the story for years now.
Here’s one of those moments that happened recently:
Recently, the city of Portland announced that they would like to put a bottle drop into our neighborhood. There was a (predictable) outcry by people who live here.
I think I might be the only person in the neighborhood who doesn’t currently have a strong opinion about it.
However, when it was announced, I did have a strong opinion. Not because of how the bottle drop would be managed. Not because of potential crime in the area. Not because of any feelings toward anyone who frequent the bottle drop.
No, the reason for my strong feelings were because the person speaking the loudest against putting the bottle drop in our neighborhood is the lawyer that threatened to sue our church years ago.
When I found that out, I was immediately and passionately for putting the bottle drop in our neighborhood.
Because in my mind, anything that lawyer opposes is absolutely a positive thing.
It feels pretty unhealthy to have this reaction.
Okay, it doesn’t just feel unhealthy - it’s definitely unhealthy.
I’m no psychologist, but this seems problematic, yes?
After all, even if this guy was wrong about what we did with the Village (and I maintain that he was), that doesn’t mean that he’s wrong about everything else.
Not even close.
In the past ten years alone, I’ve likely been wrong about thousands of things.
I wouldn’t want someone to hear me say one wrong thing, and then assume the worst about me for the rest of my life.
It feels unfair anytime someone assumes the worst about me.
And yet, I have consistently assumed the worst about this guy.
I’d love to shake my poor assumptions about other people.
I hate that I have these reactions toward people that hurt me.
My therapist has consistently talked with me about how unexplored wounds are the basis of a lot of my personality and actions.1
And I was wounded a lot five years ago.
It will probably be many years before I can entirely let go of some of my harsh gut reactions toward certain people in my community.
But I’d like to.
I’d like to once again see my neighbors as people, instead of enemies.
What I’m listening to:
Third Eye Blind’s first album is still flawless.
I’ve had it on rotation off and on for years now, and it’s still great 27 years after its release.
The middle schoolers in the carpool are probably sick of me playing it.
Tough.
He probably wouldn’t say “personality,” but I’m pretty confident that’s what he means.