I’ve had an especially low couple of weeks.
Super depressed, finding joy in almost nothing, and reticent to do anything at all.
Low weeks happen. And they never get better.
These past couple of weeks, I really could have used The Brad Goodman *narrows eyes* something or other.
The last few depression weeks, I’ve noticed that I’ve become pretty good at faking fine.
I can’t decide if that’s a good or bad thing.
I like that I’m often able to be honest about the bad days. After all, everyone has bad days. And most of the people that hang out with me have a lot of bad days. (What can I say? I attract depressed people. Depressed people attract me.)
But during the depressive weeks, I don’t normally want to talk about it. I just want to fake fine.
So I do.
And I’m pretty good at it.
Usually people can’t tell whether I’m low or doing well.
I can pretend to be smiley, giggly, and full of joy.
Honestly, most of the time I think that’s what people want.
For the most part, I think people want a pastor who isn’t mentally going through hell.
I think people usually want a friend who isn’t mentally struggling.
Which I understand. It’s definitely easier.
It's easier for other people, because we can keep it light; breezy.
It's easier for me, because I don’t have to be the bummer who’s ruining everyone’s fun.
It can be hard for two people to have a good time when one of them shares about life feeling hopeless. Instant mood killer.
My therapist and I have talked on and off about the power of vulnerability, but also the difference between vulnerability and unloading on other people.
For me, that line is very hazy.
If I talk about the ways I'm struggling, I'm likely going to tell you ALL the ways that I'm struggling.
You'll hear about the depths of the depression.
You'll hear the darkest thoughts.
And that's a little much for most people to manage.
So usually I'll just keep it breezy.
I've been doing a lot of that lately.
The low days are here, and they haven’t gone away yet.
On the plus side, I've also become good at remembering that the low weeks do, in fact, end.
These ones haven't ended yet, but likely they will soon.
Certainly they will eventually.
They always have before.
I mentioned in last week's newsletter that I'm going to be writing about board and card games starting in a few weeks. Follow that newsletter here
What I'm listening to:
Lots of Oasis. Ever since they announced the reunion, I've had them on repeat in the car.
This is one of my favorite Oasis songs. The album it's on isn't great, but this song is.
Yeah. Sigh.
I'm sorry, friend. I hope there's light at the end of your tunnel.