Nobody Changes Their Mind Overnight
Nobody changes their mind overnight.
Changing your mind usually involves tons of reading.
Conversation after conversation.
Prayer. Meditation. Journaling.
For months.
Years.
Sometimes decades.
And then, after you change your mind, it’s another long while before you’re willing to say that out loud in front of people.
Especially when you’re a Christian.
In general, Christians don’t like it when other Christians change their minds.
They’ll whip out a label - a branding - for that person.
- Heretic
- Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
- Backslider
- No Longer Christian
- Was Never a Christian, Actually
Years of work and careful study, and you’re branded a heretic within seconds.
So many issues lead Christians to labeling other Christians this way.
Racism. Immigration. Gun control. Abortion. War. Drone strikes.
Just this week, after news got out regarding what the SBC has been up to, I’ve seen people get branded as heretics over their support of women pastors.
My first branding as a heretic came in early 2019.
After years and thousands of hours of reading, praying, journaling, and talking with everyone I knew, I was certain that I was as certain as I could possibly be about my change of heart regarding LGBTQ inclusion and the church;
that God was okay with people being queer.
I spent about a month writing and re-writing my thoughts.
In the end, it was seventeen pages. Footnotes and bibliography. Super detailed.
Within minutes of posting it, the messages started coming in.
“You’re leading people down a dangerous path.”
“Satan has a hold of you.”
“Heresy.”
“How can you call yourself a pastor?”
“You need to step down.”
“I think your medication is causing you to be confused. How dare those doctors prescribe you something that makes you think such things.”1
Less angry messages than I feared came in, but more than I’d like.
But I also received some other messages.
Since 2019, every couple of months I’ll receive a DM from someone wanting to talk with me about my “stance.”
Not in a combative way, though.
They’re on the journey.
They’re working on changing their minds.
They’re in the middle of the thousands of hours.
Before going public as LGBTQ-affirming, most of my conversations were in private. I’d message an affirming pastor, or a gay, trans, or queer person, and ask if they’d be open to getting together for coffee or chatting with me on the phone.
(I had to add an “I promise I’m not trying to nail you to the wall or anything, I’m just trying to learn” to the message, because often when a pastor wants to talk to a queer person or an affirming pastor, it’s because they want to fight)
I didn’t know at the time exactly what I believed about this issue.
But I knew there was a ton I didn’t know.
And a topic this divisive required effort.
Care.
And other people. People who knew and had experienced more than I had.
I appreciate the heck out of those of you who talked with me. Without those many, many, MANY conversations, I wouldn’t have changed my mind.
I understand why a lot of my friends have stopped having these conversations over coffee.
It’s exhausting.
It can bring up trauma for a lot of folks. Those folks absolutely should take care of themselves and consider avoiding such conversations.
I still do my best to respond to the DMs, though. I hope they continue well into the future.2
Even though I’d love it if Christians would start affirming their queer friends today, that’s unlikely.
Because nobody changes their mind overnight.
But it does happen.
It did for me.
I’m a big fan of the way Marla Taviano publicly changed her mind.
Long, detailed defense of her theological landings with copious footnotes and a monstrous bibliography?
Nah. A trilogy of short, angsty poetry books that are simultaneously clear and coy.
She reads more than most anybody on the planet, and could easily have written a compelling, heavily researched, beautifully argued defense of her current convictions.
But I think she knew that kind of effort wouldn’t have had much effect.
She’d still get the same branding that the rest of us do.
Maybe I should have done it that way. I dunno.
Yes, that one’s real.
Not the ones calling me a heretic or a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I’ve received plenty of those. Keep them to yourself. I’m good.
I am so grateful people keep learning, talking, sharing, and changing their minds to better love others. It’s so refreshing and helps make the world feel a little lighter. A breath of fresh air in all the smog.
Thanks for sharing my books, friend. ☺️ You need the updated version of unbelieve. DM your address. 💜