Panic Attacks
I had a panic attack in the shower once.
I woke up early in the morning and jumped in the shower. About two minutes in, the panic washed over me like the streams of water on my face. I fell on the floor of the shower and began the normal panic attack ritual of painfully gripping my face and my hair, feeling myself hyperventilating and my heart racing. After about three minutes of that hell, I regained control. I laid on the floor of the tub and stared at the scratches on my legs from digging my fingernails as hard as I could into them. I tried to get rid of the kink in my neck from when I pulled my hair as hard as I could to the right.
I had a super full work day that day. And there I was, staring at the scratches on my legs and trying to work the kink out of my neck, and I start thinking, “How can I possibly make it through today? How do I lead a staff meeting? How can I possibly write something to help guide other people in their spiritual lives? I can't even make it through my morning shower without falling apart.”
That's the thing about panic attacks. They make you feel worthless. They ruin the rest of your day.
Until 2018, I had never had a panic attack. I hadn't known of anyone personally who had panic attacks. I had previously used the term "panic attack" to refer to times when I felt 'panicky,' but I didn't actually know what a real, honest-to-God panic attack felt like.
And then, about a month into my time in therapy, I had one. It woke me up, my heart raced, I was sweating constantly, and I couldn't do anything but dig my fingers into the bed. After what seemed like an eternity, it stopped. My pillow was soaking wet from the sweat on my face.
For the rest of the week, I was sort-of afraid to go to bed at night, thinking that it might happen again.
It’s been a couple of months since I’ve had a panic attack.
I assume I’ll have another sometime soon. It’s been a while. I feel like I’m due.
But that’s the thing about panic attacks. You can’t predict them.
For me, they seem to occur most often when I'm having a few days of extreme stress.
But sometimes I'll have them in the middle of a fantastic day. I've had them while playing with my kids. I once had one while in a board game store, one of my favorite places in the world.
They so often come out of nowhere.
I spoke to someone once who said that she used to have panic attacks while driving her car.
I have a friend who had a panic attack out of the blue after not having one for fifteen years.
They’re unpredictable.
They’re awful.
And they quickly remind you that you’re not always as in-control of your life as you’d like to believe.
Yeah it’s terrifying to have your arms go completely numb while driving.