Watching Myself Live
A Terrible Slasher Movie Had Me Thinking About My Medication Journey
It's been quite some time since losing my insurance and in turn my anxiety/depression medication.
It’s been…I don’t know.
Terrible?
Or maybe fine?
Awful but also tolerable?
I’ve been as anxious and depressed as I ever was, so that's not been fun.
Early on I was snapping at people over little things quite a bit. I think that was just temporary, while my body was still figuring out how to pastor people through a second Trump administration without medication.
I’m not snapping at people quite as much anymore, so that’s good.
I was afraid the suicidal thoughts I used to have semi-frequently before I started medication would come back. That hasn’t been the case nearly as much as I feared though, so that’s pretty good.
I can live with being constantly tense, feeling low, and snapping at people.
Wishing I was dead would be a problem. So I'm glad we're not there.
Not so far, anyway.
A couple years ago I watched what may be the worst slasher movie I’ve ever seen: the 2008 remake of Prom Night starring Brittany Snow.
Brittany Snow is great. She deserved better than this trash.
Horror movies rarely know how to treat mental health. Usually in horror movies if mental illness makes an appearance, it’s the reason for the killer doing what they do.
Shyamalan, you have some great films, but you’re the worst offender. Stop it.
The mental illness in Prom Night, though, didn’t belong to the killer, but to Brittany Snow’s character.
At the start of the movie she watches her family being murdered. Three years later, she lives with her aunt and uncle and is forced to take pills daily to numb everything.
But when she’s headed out to prom and her aunt asks if she’s taken her pills, Snow’s character responds, “No, I want to feel everything tonight.”
Psycho killer stalks her and her friends, murder and mayhem (along with some terrible acting and a truly awful script) ensue.
Terrible movie. A 2 out of 10 at best.
I love slashers, but this one was absolutely abysmal.
I had an experience somewhat like Brittany Snow’s character when I was on Lexapro.
But I wouldn’t have described the experience as “it keeps me from feeling.”
For me, Lexapro made me feel like I had control taken away from my life.
It felt like I was inside of my body, watching myself live but controlling nothing.
When I walked across the room, typed something on the computer, or drove somewhere, it felt like I was there, but someone else was doing the walking, the typing, or the driving.
It’s a terrible sensation.
I appreciated that the meds kept me from wishing I was dead.
But it also felt like they were keeping me from living.
I stuck it out for a few years, until finally talking with my doctor and psychiatrist about it.
Which began the search for a different medication, one that better worked for me.
I wish I’d talked with them sooner.
I could have saved myself a few years of watching myself live.