Tbh I’m not doing terrible lately.
Definitely not well. I don’t want that to be misconstrued.
But not terrible.
These days I wake up in the morning and can actually get myself out of bed. Not every morning, but most mornings.
Lately when I get accosted by someone at the church or elsewhere, I don’t get all panicky. Not usually, anyway.
It’s been a while since I’ve had suicidal thoughts. Not a long while, but a while.
The sizable handful of pills I have to take every morning seem to be working. Not every day, but many days.
I have less anxiety about whether or not people expect me to have ‘positions’ on every city, national, or world issue. I still have plenty of anxiety about it, but less.
I don’t obsess quite as much about what everyone thinks about me. I still obsess plenty, but not as much.
I’m not naive. I don’t think this not-too-bad feeling will last. But I’m enjoying it for now.
Next week I’m leaving my church for a month (not permanently, I do it every year).
Normally when it’s time for me to exit for a while, I’m a shell of a person. I’m a nightmare to be around. I snap at people, little things make me Big Mad1, and I have very little compassion to give.
This year is different. I’m not quite as much of a nightmare right now.
I can still be a nightmare. But I’m a little better than normal.
There are times when I don’t have a lot of patience with certain people.
But I have far more patience than I had in late June last year.
Also, this might sound like a small thing (and it’s certainly not going to last a long time), but I’m actually pretty comfortable with where I currently am in my faith/belief/whatever you want to call it.
I’m comfortable right now being unsure about most things related to God, life, faith, the world, light, love, joy, pain, hurt, suffering, spirituality, and wonder.
I’ve been comfortable with being unsure for the last month or so.
It’s been nice.
My cycle throughout the last 6 years (that you’ve read about over and over again on this Substack) goes something like this:
panicking about the way my faith is shifting
getting depressed about it
wondering if I should change my life (quit being a pastor and/or Christian)
being okay with not knowing
back to step one
I know that cycle isn’t going away anytime soon, but it’s nice to be in step 4 right now.
Right now, depression, anxiety, and concerns about faith are all pretty manageable.
On a scale of 1 (fine) to 10 (dumpster fire), all 3 are probably at a strong 3/light 4. A lowish simmer.
I hope that continues.
I hope to come back to work in mid-August feeling even more comfortable, less anxious, and less depressed.
And if I don’t, I just want to enjoy feeling somewhat okay right now.
I want to enjoy the low simmer.
I’m mostly just hoping I don’t come back from my time away like this:
Substack posts will continue every Friday while I’m gone. I have them prescheduled. I likely won’t be posting them on any social medias while I’m gone, because I delete all of my social media from my phone while I’m out,
SO
subscribe to this Substack now if you haven’t to keep reading my stuff through July/August.
What I’m listening to:
Hayley Williams - Pure Love
Paramore’s new album is fantastic, but Hayley’s solo stuff didn’t get near the attention it deserves imo
Get yourself a friend who you can send angry texts and memes back and forth to when you’re Big Mad. I have Jen. Jen is my Big Mad buddy. Get yourself a Jen.
Have a good break. Play with the family. See a sunrise. (This morning’s here made me want to take a photo.) Let the kids squirt you with the hose and scream, scream, scream so they’ll laugh and remember it forever. Hugs.
I hope you have a good month off. 💛✨