1. I’m trying to learn to be ok with it when people are mad at me for the right things.
2. Once upon a time when I was a student chaplain, I had a patient who shared their trauma story and finished with “I’ve never told anyone this before.” I felt so honored and poured compassion into that wound. Then a few weeks later, same patient was in the hospital, and the same story unfolded with another chaplain (we discussed cases for educational purposes). Before the residency year was out, the patient had told every chaplain out the same story and claimed they had never shared it before. I have since realized this is a strategy some people use to dial in your attention. I wasn’t with your person and I can’t know whether that was happening. But keep it in mind.
3. People get to make their own choices. We frequently have patients who can’t really take care of themselves who choose to go home, alone. The hospital staff tends to feel like they have to choose between being callous or being distraught. It’s a false choice. We have absolutely no right to tell that person how to live their life. If they think that being in their home and having their privacy and independence, with the risk of harm, is a better option than being in a nursing home with no privacy and the risks of being in an institutionalized group setting, they get to choose that. We can grieve with and for them if it doesn’t work out, but we also don’t know all the reasons they made that choice and why it seemed good for them. And they got to exercise their autonomy, which is a basic human right.
If a person has chosen to cut off a supportive relationship, that probably will have some sad consequences for them. But their choices and the consequences are not your responsibility. It isn’t right for you to try to take that responsibility from them. They are not your child. Treating people like grownups and telling them the truth in love is a mark of respect. If I’m way off the mark here, feel free to argue with me.
4. I struggle with confrontation. It is scary for me. Sometimes I look back on how I handled something with critical eyes. I’m trying to learn to give myself grace that maybe i was doing the best I could at the time.
Also, it occurs to me that, for as much as the authenticity might lead to someone losing their person, it is also possible that it leads to someone gaining a person they need and did not have access to before, eg a pastor who is LGBTQIA+ affirming or an advocate for refuges, etc. Thank god for pastors who will be a person for the least of these, when there are so few who will.
I absolutely get where you are coming from. And I absolutely disagree that you are causing someone to lose their person. If you sharing your authentic self and thoughts and feelings results in someone walking away, losing their person is their consequence for their actions. I sit with and hi or and value your grief at their loss, and I absolutely push back at you being responsible for that at all. ❤️ Love you, friend.
1. I’m trying to learn to be ok with it when people are mad at me for the right things.
2. Once upon a time when I was a student chaplain, I had a patient who shared their trauma story and finished with “I’ve never told anyone this before.” I felt so honored and poured compassion into that wound. Then a few weeks later, same patient was in the hospital, and the same story unfolded with another chaplain (we discussed cases for educational purposes). Before the residency year was out, the patient had told every chaplain out the same story and claimed they had never shared it before. I have since realized this is a strategy some people use to dial in your attention. I wasn’t with your person and I can’t know whether that was happening. But keep it in mind.
3. People get to make their own choices. We frequently have patients who can’t really take care of themselves who choose to go home, alone. The hospital staff tends to feel like they have to choose between being callous or being distraught. It’s a false choice. We have absolutely no right to tell that person how to live their life. If they think that being in their home and having their privacy and independence, with the risk of harm, is a better option than being in a nursing home with no privacy and the risks of being in an institutionalized group setting, they get to choose that. We can grieve with and for them if it doesn’t work out, but we also don’t know all the reasons they made that choice and why it seemed good for them. And they got to exercise their autonomy, which is a basic human right.
If a person has chosen to cut off a supportive relationship, that probably will have some sad consequences for them. But their choices and the consequences are not your responsibility. It isn’t right for you to try to take that responsibility from them. They are not your child. Treating people like grownups and telling them the truth in love is a mark of respect. If I’m way off the mark here, feel free to argue with me.
4. I struggle with confrontation. It is scary for me. Sometimes I look back on how I handled something with critical eyes. I’m trying to learn to give myself grace that maybe i was doing the best I could at the time.
Also, it occurs to me that, for as much as the authenticity might lead to someone losing their person, it is also possible that it leads to someone gaining a person they need and did not have access to before, eg a pastor who is LGBTQIA+ affirming or an advocate for refuges, etc. Thank god for pastors who will be a person for the least of these, when there are so few who will.
I absolutely get where you are coming from. And I absolutely disagree that you are causing someone to lose their person. If you sharing your authentic self and thoughts and feelings results in someone walking away, losing their person is their consequence for their actions. I sit with and hi or and value your grief at their loss, and I absolutely push back at you being responsible for that at all. ❤️ Love you, friend.