For the last couple of weeks, my therapist and I have been working through the idea that all of my fulfillment or positive self-thinking comes from achievement and what others think of me.
Which is clearly, unmistakably true.
I don’t like me for me.
I like me when I’ve done well.
When people notice what I’ve achieved.
Basically every fear I have in life revolves around what others think of me.
And anytime I feel good about myself, it’s because I’ve accomplished something, and other people have noticed it.
It’s everywhere in my life.
If I’m being completely honest, when I was first losing my faith, my biggest fear wasn’t actually “I don’t think the God I’ve believed in for my whole damn life is real.”
It was “The career path I’ve been down for twenty years means nothing anymore. What will my church/parents/family think of me?”
It was “Can my wife stay with me if I no longer believe in God?”
“And if she can’t, how does that impact all of my other relationships? What will others think of me if my marriage falls apart because my faith fell apart?”
Those were the mental rabbit trails I went down.
The thoughts I obsessed over.
I finished writing my “I think God’s okay with people being LGBTQIA+ and I’m fully affirming of their presence, ministry, and relationships in the church” post in a McDonalds on hwy 30.
I nearly threw up in that McDonalds about seventeen times as I thought about how it would be received.
What relationships I’d lose.1
When I preached a sermon and some people left my church very loudly, putting me on blast on social media, I panicked for days.2
Not because I thought anything I said was wrong. Honestly, it was as close to a "here's what the Bible says" sermon I've ever given.
The message was as open-and-shut as anything I’ve ever preached.
But I also knew their online criticism could have an impact on other relationships of mine.
Family members.
Friends.
Other church members.
I could lose those relationships.
Which would invite questions from other people.
And those questions could lead to more lost relationships.
So many of my fears come from what others think of me.
And my self-love entirely comes from people thinking well of me.
I don’t know how to like me for me.
To appreciate, admire, and value the person I am, separate from my accomplishments and achievements.
Meds are great, but meds won’t help me like me for me.
I’m hoping though therapy, I start to move in that direction over the next few weeks/months/years.
Basically, I want to stop feeling like this:
This is new and I don’t yet have any answers or epiphanies or anything.
I know talking about things I’m currently going through can be dangerous.
I’m certainly not going to share about what I’m currently working through in therapy very often.
But I wanted to today.
Because it’s all I’m thinking about lately.
And because I’m sure I’m not the only one who experiences this.
This substack is, and will always be, free.
I have zero plans to ever put anything I write here behind a paywall.
But if you want to financially support my writing, you’re welcome to do that.
Supporting me won’t get you anything tangible.
But you’ll make me smile.
And you’ll probably incentivize me to keep writing.
I did, of course, lose some relationships. It sucked. But I gained a whole lot more which have been so amazing and wonderful and fruitful. And telling the truth is so freeing. 100% would do it again.
Still holding a grudge about it, clearly.
may this land well...
The greatest accomplishment of yours that I like...
is you being you =)
no prerequisites, metrics, expectations, or criteria
you being you
This deep internalized chronic shame is a symptom of CPTSD and it is 100% at the root of most of my mental health issues. Studies show that self-expression is such an important way of combatting the depression that comes from chronic shame. And that’s just what you are doing here--expressing yourself! Which I think is so great.