Talking Does Nothing
I Hopy My Therapist Friends Aren't Offended by This. It's Not You, It's Me. But Maybe Also You. But Mostly Me.
I have no freaking idea if therapy is working.
It kind of seems like it isn’t.
Okay, I guess it’s working in some ways. I better understand the parts of my childhood that influence the thoughts that I have and the things that I do.
And that’s great.
But, like, I started therapy because I was having semi-regular suicidal thoughts, and I wanted them to stop, or at least lessen.
I started therapy because I was often so depressed that I couldn’t get out of bed, and I’d immediately get back into bed after work.
I’m two years into therapy, and it doesn’t seem to have done much in that department.
I know myself better, but the depression, anxiety, ideation, and muscle tensing are all still there.
I talked to my therapist about it weeks ago, and he’s checking in on me more. That’s nice.
But check-ins don’t do a whole lot.
It feels more preventative than problem-fixing.
I like having someone with whom I can talk through my problems, especially since I have very few people I can be entirely open with (Pastor relationships have a power dynamic to them), and most of the ones I can fully share with, I rarely see.
Having him to talk to is great.
But talking alone isn’t changing much.
At least, it doesn’t seem to be.
I’m still currently doing therapy and won’t stop anytime soon.
I’m hoping that I’m wrong about all of this, and that I am actually on the road to improvement.
But two years into this new run of therapy, the troubling things are still just as troubling.
So, like, what are we doing here?
I almost didn’t write this. I don’t want to sound all “woe is me,” and I don’t want this to sound like complaining.
I don’t want it to sound like a cry for help.
I really don’t want to sound like I’m fishing for compliments.
This is none of those things.
But I’m sure it’ll be heard that way.
Everything in me wants to put a positive spin on this post.
But that would be a lie.
I have experienced the fringes of depression, and I know how debilitating it is. Your therapist knows their craft, but they can only draw the answers out from you. You’ve been attacked and threatened for acting according to the gospel, consequently exposing the hypocrisy of some people while helping others. It’s driven you to agnosticism, which can be hazardous to your career. These are both difficult to work through. But remember, you are not responsible for what happened. You did good. How people react is their problem.
I wish you good wishes for your recovery, and I am glad you and your congregation care so much for each other.
There’s a very good chance talk therapy isn’t what you need. I have talk therapy and it’s a soundboard for what’s happening in my life and loosely some CBT therapy is involved.
But it does nothing for sustained suicidal ideation or the physical symptoms of anxiety. Those required more trial and error than my medication did, and ended up being a combination of trauma-informed therapy practices and organized, structured physical movement. You already do the run thing. You may want to consider asking your therapist about a second therapist to work with that specialized in a modality
which involves physical movement during sessions like Somatic Experiencing