Things I No Longer Know How to Do

I don’t know how to talk about anything going on in the world without it being called a rant.

I don’t know how to talk about any matter of faith without being called a heretic by some.

I don’t know how to unwaveringly believe in God anymore.

I don’t know how to have friendships with anyone without the constant feeling that I’ll one day say the wrong thing and the friend will no longer speak to me.

I don’t know why I still care about the opinions of people that I haven’t spoken to in 20+ years.

I don’t know how to justify being a pastor who is probably agnostic at least 50% of the time.
Probably atheist for some of that time.¹

I don’t know how to be more hopeful than pessimistic about the state of the world.

I don’t know how to help people with their faith/spirituality, when mine is often lacking at best, nonexistent at worst.

I don’t know how to give up my faith and walk away from the church. I tried once, it didn’t take.

Most of all, I don’t know why I care about any of these things.

I wish I didn’t.

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(A lot of my Christian friends get scared by some of my posts. This will probably be one of those.

I wish I didn’t care about that, but I do)

1. So grateful to have a Very Christian copastor who can absorb the people in our church who are uncomfortable with a full time pastor, part time atheist. (FTR I stole the line “full time pastor, part time atheist” from someone on a podcast I listened to years ago, but I can’t remember who. My apologies. It’s brilliant and I wanted it so I stole it. It’s called plagiarism, and it’s unbecoming of someone with a masters degree. Mea culpa).