I don't know how to let go of relationships. I never have. If someone stops talking to me, I take it very personally. Not in a “I'm mad at them” way (okay fine, sometimes very much in an “I'm mad at them” way). I'm just sad to not see them anymore. I'm sad to know that I hurt them.
One of the patterns that really bugs me in books/ movies is the way they depict toxic or abusive relationships. They show the battered wife, for instance, living a daily hellish existence with a monster of a man. That is undoubtedly true in some cases. But in many cases, it isn't that simple. The toxic or abusive person has good qualities and may have periods of time when they do good things- I have some personal experience with this. The toxic relationship is a relationship, with all the complexity and shared history that implies. The adult child may remember the times the abusive parent patiently taught them life skills and cared for them when they were sick and feel an obligation toward that person. The toxic friend may be a lot of fun when they aren't drinking, etc. These are people we care about, on some level, and we know many of the reasons they are the way they are. That's how abusive people are able to be so manipulative. And Christian culture pushes forgiveness and reconciliation really hard, so if you're wired to feel guilty... I'm not saying you should hold on to toxic relationships, I'm saying enforcing boundaries and letting go of people is more complex for us than spitting out something 100% disgusting.
Peddling off the complexities of real life as either totally good or bad is an ideology of our culture that sets us up to feel we have to choose one of the other. I agree it’s just not that simple. And it’s to other focused. As a person who highly values relationships I believe growing a strong appreciation for all of me the good the bad and the ugly helps keep relationships and the complexities of them in a healthy perspective in which I can choose how to or not interact within them.
though I am a 4 on the enneagram, I too David can’t let go of relationships. It seems so hurtful to severe them especially since are are defined yo cultivate and nurture them. It almost feels like cutting part of oneself off when a relationship is broken. Shalom Dianne
One of the patterns that really bugs me in books/ movies is the way they depict toxic or abusive relationships. They show the battered wife, for instance, living a daily hellish existence with a monster of a man. That is undoubtedly true in some cases. But in many cases, it isn't that simple. The toxic or abusive person has good qualities and may have periods of time when they do good things- I have some personal experience with this. The toxic relationship is a relationship, with all the complexity and shared history that implies. The adult child may remember the times the abusive parent patiently taught them life skills and cared for them when they were sick and feel an obligation toward that person. The toxic friend may be a lot of fun when they aren't drinking, etc. These are people we care about, on some level, and we know many of the reasons they are the way they are. That's how abusive people are able to be so manipulative. And Christian culture pushes forgiveness and reconciliation really hard, so if you're wired to feel guilty... I'm not saying you should hold on to toxic relationships, I'm saying enforcing boundaries and letting go of people is more complex for us than spitting out something 100% disgusting.
Peddling off the complexities of real life as either totally good or bad is an ideology of our culture that sets us up to feel we have to choose one of the other. I agree it’s just not that simple. And it’s to other focused. As a person who highly values relationships I believe growing a strong appreciation for all of me the good the bad and the ugly helps keep relationships and the complexities of them in a healthy perspective in which I can choose how to or not interact within them.
though I am a 4 on the enneagram, I too David can’t let go of relationships. It seems so hurtful to severe them especially since are are defined yo cultivate and nurture them. It almost feels like cutting part of oneself off when a relationship is broken. Shalom Dianne
Yeah. ❤️