I don't know how to let go of relationships.
I never have.
If someone stops talking to me, I take it very personally.
Not in a “I'm mad at them” way
(okay fine, sometimes very much in an “I'm mad at them” way).
I'm just sad to not see them anymore.
I'm sad to know that I hurt them.
I'm sad to know that what once was good between us no longer is.
I have some friends with whom I haven't spoken ever since I told them I was okay with LGBTQIA+ people being fully involved in the church and in ministry.
I have others who stopped talking to me when I told them I couldn't support the family separation policy at the US/Mexico border and the degrading of refugees.
I think I'm right about both of those things.
And yet, the broken relationships still kill me.
It's not even that I want them to change their minds necessarily.
I mean, I do want them to change their minds because I think I'm right, but I also know that they won't.
Mind change or not, I still want the relationship.
Because I don't want to let go of people.
I don't know how.
I don't even know if I want to know how.
I have some friends (predominantly enneagram 1s and 8s) who have no problem with breaking relationships.
They find so much good in doing it when the relationship is toxic.
And maybe that's for the best.
I just don't know if I can do it.
I don't know if I want to do it.
I'm not even sure why.
Why would I want to hang on to something toxic?
Minority Report is one of my all time favorite movies. But after so many times watching it, I still gag thinking about when Tom Cruise accidentally eats spoiled food and drinks from a container of contaminated fluids.
Why don't I gag when I'm tied to a relationship that's contaminated like those fluids?
I don't know.
I think this year I want to try to be more okay with letting go of a relationship that lives solely in my head.
One that's never going to be okay, no matter how much I pursue it.
Or maybe by the end of the year, I'd just like to get to the point where I’d even consider the goodness of ending a toxic relationship.
Because right now, I can't get there.
Right now, I don’t want to let go of any relationship, ever.
And maybe by the end of the year, I'll decide that January David was right.
Maybe I'll decide that toxic relationships can become un-toxic, and that I should keep those relationships.
I likely won't think that. But I might.
Either way, I'd like to become more open to the possibility that my enneagram 1 and 8 friends are right.
Even though they might not be.
My Loyalist 6 wants to believe they're not.
(I can't wait for them to read this and tell me all the reasons I’m wrong)
One of the patterns that really bugs me in books/ movies is the way they depict toxic or abusive relationships. They show the battered wife, for instance, living a daily hellish existence with a monster of a man. That is undoubtedly true in some cases. But in many cases, it isn't that simple. The toxic or abusive person has good qualities and may have periods of time when they do good things- I have some personal experience with this. The toxic relationship is a relationship, with all the complexity and shared history that implies. The adult child may remember the times the abusive parent patiently taught them life skills and cared for them when they were sick and feel an obligation toward that person. The toxic friend may be a lot of fun when they aren't drinking, etc. These are people we care about, on some level, and we know many of the reasons they are the way they are. That's how abusive people are able to be so manipulative. And Christian culture pushes forgiveness and reconciliation really hard, so if you're wired to feel guilty... I'm not saying you should hold on to toxic relationships, I'm saying enforcing boundaries and letting go of people is more complex for us than spitting out something 100% disgusting.
though I am a 4 on the enneagram, I too David can’t let go of relationships. It seems so hurtful to severe them especially since are are defined yo cultivate and nurture them. It almost feels like cutting part of oneself off when a relationship is broken. Shalom Dianne