I was struck by a couple of comments from last week's post about my difficulty letting go of toxic relationships. My brilliant friend (an out-of-town friend I haven’t seen in years who surprise visited our church on Christmas eve!) wrote: One of the patterns that really bugs me in books/ movies is the way they depict toxic or abusive relationships. They show the battered wife, for instance, living a daily hellish existence with a monster of a man. That is undoubtedly true in some cases. But in many cases, it isn't that simple. The toxic or abusive person has good qualities and may have periods of time when they do good things - I have some personal experience with this. The toxic relationship is a relationship, with all the complexity and shared history that implies. The adult child may remember the times the abusive parent patiently taught them life skills and cared for them when they were sick and feel an obligation toward that person. The toxic friend may be a lot of fun when they aren't drinking, etc. These are people we care about, on some level, and we know many of the reasons they are the way they are. That's how abusive people are able to be so manipulative. And Christian culture pushes forgiveness and reconciliation really hard, so if you're wired to feel guilty... I'm not saying you should hold on to toxic relationships, I'm saying enforcing boundaries and letting go of people is more complex for us than spitting out something 100% disgusting.
Your brilliant friends said what I tried to several times but couldn’t get the words right. Yay for brilliant friends.
I wonder if the idea that forgiveness and reconciliation could happen is less letting go of a value and more accepting space for what was and now isn’t, and striving to not judge what ever could be in the future. Maybe sometimes hope is accepting that a relationship could never repair AND could someday be repaired, in equal measure. I wonder because I don’t know, but I do know this is the only way I can engage with hope.
Your brilliant friends said what I tried to several times but couldn’t get the words right. Yay for brilliant friends.
I wonder if the idea that forgiveness and reconciliation could happen is less letting go of a value and more accepting space for what was and now isn’t, and striving to not judge what ever could be in the future. Maybe sometimes hope is accepting that a relationship could never repair AND could someday be repaired, in equal measure. I wonder because I don’t know, but I do know this is the only way I can engage with hope.